I WATCHED MY MOTHER DIE
When I hear a bird singing in the backyard I think of you hoping your singing to me.I watched as you lost a exuberant amount of weight, your jawbones noticeable thin.I still told you how beautiful you were.
On Wednesday night, February 16 you became so restless as I watched you try to sleep. You didn't even notice me in the room. By nightfall you slipped into a deep sleep...a coma. I knew you could hear me still
…still you were non mobile with only your left arm swinging up and down..up and down, as if you were saying, “why me?” Your arm movement was nonstop for exactly 24 hours. I read somewhere this is called a sign that death is approaching. You held on and waited until your firstborn son arrived that Friday night. I just knew you heard his footsteps flying down interstate 85 North. When he arrived I heard him say “mommy squeeze my hand if you can hear me? Please mommy squeeze my hand!” Over and over he recited this passage hoping for life once lived..hoping for a nurturing movement…but you lay lifeless in meditation. We all tried to go about our day with laughter, tears and funny stories of you and man did we laugh!
Raheim & Mary, and Rob & I. We knew you could hear us.
On Saturday both your big brothers came to see you along with many family and friends. Everyone took turns reading the Word of God to you by choosing scriptures we knew you loved , I even read those biblical stories you taught me as a kid. Your Bible had scriptures highlighted in yellow. I knew you could hear me
. The scriptures you taught me throughout my life I was able to read them back to you. Psalms 91 was just one of your favorites.
I would somehow manage to crawl up around your head in the hospitalbed and like a fetus in the womb of a mother I lay covering the crown of your head..gently stroking your thinning hair with a graceful touch of motherly love.
I knew you could feel my thoughts trying to breath life back into your heart.
Sunday came. No one slept peacefully but you..still in a coma..warm..shallow breath..cold at times. We covered you with a warm cozy blanket but somehow you managed to use your lifeless hand to uncover your Frailness. We knew you were still with us.
Your firstborn put on a cassette tape that he found in your minivan. We listened to gospel music, read the Bible to you and prayed. The Holy Ghost entered the room. While the spirit gave utterance you had a conversation with God. He told me you "you were an awesome and faithful servant."
As I laid my hand across your shallow chest you finally moved! Your arm grabbed a hold of my wrist and I felt your motherly touch once again. I knew you could still hear me.
I want to dream so I can see you and have coffee with you. I want to laugh like we use too when one of us would say something comical. “Fran your are so funny” is what you would always say.I loved making you laugh.
Sunday night we all slept peacefully for the first time. On Monday morning at 6:30am I crawled to the head of your hospital bed one last time. Something was different, the energy in the house was different. I ran upstairs to go call the Chaplin from hospice..your breath was shallow when I left. As I returned downstairs a few minutes later, your firstborn was standing at your bedside. He said in a calm voice just as you would do; “She just took her last breathe”…I yelled; “Mommy! Mommy I love you!” As I ran to be by your side you let out a final shallow breath and your mouth closed. We knew you could not hear us any longer.you were gone.Peacefully,no gasping for air,no more pain,just sleep.Your granddaughter asked could she kiss you goodbye. Tears stained your bedside from all of us. I washed your body one last time, like this was a ritual I was born to do, prepare your earthly body for a smooth spiritual transition to Heaven.
As I dressed you I felt your spirit in the clouds that day.
The birds continues to sing in our front yard and I always say “Hey ma!”
The months are going by so fast...I can't believe its May already...so much happens in a series of a few months right? My spinal issues really got out of whack..I have taken so many days off work due to this chronic condition...but I keep getting up out of bed...I keep stretching..I keep going to chiropractor getting aligned...I keep drinking my protein and vitamin shakes...I keep taking my meds-but I'm getting weary and tired of being in constant pain. I'm trying to keep my mind set positive but it's getting hard. If you do read my blog I can use some encouraging words this day!
Life just happens... devastating events happen to families every day and we seem to become immune to others emotional pain. I was raised to not complain but to pray. When we hurt we keep it to ourselves...then strokes, heart attacks, blood clots, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart failure and even death occurs because we kept those annoying pains to ourselves hoping it will go away. I have been to Dr. after Dr. after Dr. to get relief and I just want to encourage others and let you know "I HEAR YOU", I FEEL YOU, I SYMPATHIZE WITH YOU, I LOVE YOU IN JESUS NAME! People are dying of starvation, and poverty, broken hearts, suicide and yes my back hurts but as long as I have breath and can type my thoughts while laying prostrate in bed I will write...write ...right?
HOW I change my mind set/ thoughts;
I'm missing my MOTHER!-She is no longer suffering on this earth with cancer
Our home AC unit was struck by lighting- at least it wasen't our house or us
Our daughters car needed work-at least it was home when it broke down
Sad our youngest son left for the Navy-he left but he's living his life
Our youngest daughter stays the night out and doesn't text or call-I have not found how to change my mindset on this one at all!!!!
Our oldest son went to sea with the Navy-He is smart and will do a great job
The bills are piling up-at least we can pay something if not the full amount
My spine won't get in line with the universe- at least i can still walk
Think about or share one thing you have stated recently where you can change your thinking to help you deal with "life happens" situations.
This piece was originally inspired by Maya Angelou but when I watch Kerri Washington's speech on the awards show recently I knew I had to post this as I was inspired all over again! Enjoy! Also I'm posting our oldest son's gospel rap video in the video section...he really is his momma's child (smile) his talent is amazing!! Check it out.
MY LENS IN THIS AMERICA
The way my mind paints
canvases of artistic masterpieces is a direct correlation to the creative
genius in me
Willing to give into
all gifts and abilities, I feel the golden light of candlesticks shifting my
watery eyes to blink.
Blink Rivers of
love…blink visions of life and eyelashes of information governing my
My eyes in this America
My eyes in this America
Lie silent on paper
carved from wood
brought my people miles on a boat
Traveled on ancestry lashes and
sold as goods
My Voice in the America
My voice in this America
Screams internally to stop
injustice of men woman and children of all races
I need to represent
the Senate and House of this America’s
My hands in this America
My hands in this America
Writes poetic views,
from the council pews, in the chamber of law
Thurgood Marshall won cases without flaws
Stood tall over 6 feet tall and raised issues on
the desegregation of schools
These pews I sit
These pews I sit
I sit in the footsteps
of our forefathers, your ancestors
My spirit in this America
My spirit in this America
sits quietly on bills needing to become law
children, children without parents
pellets on our hearts
and still I sit
I sit in this America
I sit in this America
Trying to find my
citizenship in order to turn
a bill into a law
my laws would free all
minds from chains
give homeless families
a place to live and work
my laws would let
children become leaders of
there own schools to teach and guide
All parents, teachers and Governing bodies
would sit and listen as students
restore order so we
can actually listen to what they need
learn what we have
done to push them into death
an adult driven mess
we this America lost
what America represents
God’s love, education,
dreams, and peace
We this America have
turned to wars, slot machines, and budget cuts,
child Assessments, credit
card debt and suicide, a quiet form of genocide
Wake up this America
Wake up this America
Your students need
you, that child you turned your back on
Take back this America
Take back your lack of
involvement and come home humble for change
Take back your abuse
and come back nurturing without blame
Have a voice America
You have a voice, I have a voice
We whisper this America
Were silent this America
Shout this America and together lets help lead America
I'm sitting in my living room on the last day of my vacation reflecting not only on the last year but my entire life. Each year I have aspired to grow in God's grace, to learn the true meaning of forgiveness and love. Believe me I am not there yet..but I did have some milestones especially in the last few months and over the years.
I was able to finally reveal to my father and grandmother an uncomfortable situation that happened to me when my parents sent me to stay with a female relative in the summer of 1976. Once I did I started having snapshots of my childhood and actually remembering my childhood which I realized I had blocked out for years. It was so liberating and I finally felt free from blocking out memories good and bad. This has truly affected most of my relationships throughout the years among other things. Back then we didn't go to counseling we just dealt with it the best we knew how. My option was to suppress emotional connections with others. Socially with strangers I felt most comfortable.
As a single mom at 19 I got myself into college, earned my degree in community health and started out climbing the corporate ladder. After realizing the corporate world was so cut throat; I wanted out! I researched and had a business mentor, Nathaniel Sims who taught me how to write a business proposal. I had this strong desire to protect children so I opened up Bottles N' Books Child Development Center in Jersey. Owning my own business for almost 10 yrs was hard but so rewarding; especially teaching children all day while there parents worked. I truly enjoyed my business and all those babies. When God gives you something you don't need experience but you do need determination and lots of love! I closed the day care in 2002 and moved to VA to begin a new life. I never thought about opening a day care in VA but becoming an author was now consuming my thoughts. I said I want to live in the country on a horse farm, and write poetry books for a living! Well I'm finally in the country, (no horse farm yet), and writing still consumes my thoughts! I will become a famous poet and author.
I currently work full-time in higher education managing grant funds. I owe a huge thank you to one of professional mentor Dr. Cynthia Bell. She told me back in 2005 that it was not rocket science and I could make decent money in this field supporting my then 10 yr old daughter and my 17 yr old son. I fell into this career and have truly enjoyed it. Some days financially are harder than others but I do receive a paycheck every 2 weeks like most people. As a single mom back then I invested in 2 single family homes. I rented out one and my baby girl and I lived in the other. Well each tenant I had could not always pay the rent and that left me paying the mortgage on two places! My compassionate heart would always cave in when they couldn't pay rent and I would do what I had to do to let a mother and children stay rent free which totally left me in a financial bind. Some how the Lord always made a way for me because I knew I was providing a child with a roof over their head. Well you know that couldn't last for ever and I had to let both homes go to short sales a few years apart. I didn't gain anything financial and my credit has suffered over the years but it was what I chose to do to help 3 families at three different times get on there feet.
With all of the trials and tribulations, growth and losses, ups and downs has really helped me to grow into a strong woman deserving of love and so much more. I earned the street smarts growing up in Jersey, the book smarts from going to school and the business smarts from my dad but the best smarts I have received was from my mom reading the bible to me as a child.
Publishing a book is not hard but I just don't want to publish a book I want others to actually read it! So many people self publish books and boxes of them sit in their garage. I want to inspire others, I want someone to read one of my poems and say to themselves I can make it! So many times I wanted to give up and give in but I just couldn't. Someone always needed me to write a poem for them or give them an encouraging word or just listen. This is how I know God had this special purpose for me since I was 5 yrs old! I know becoming a published author will one day become a reality.
Just recently I asked my husband "why does God have so many pulling on me for encouragement and I'm going through myself?' He said "its not about you babe, it's about the gift God is working through you." Sometimes I just want someone besides my husband to talk too but my mom is no longer here.
I think the Lord wants me to always seek him first.
Yes Lord I get it...thank you.
I Miss You
When will I see you?
I long to gaze into your eyes and feel hurt no more
For you have saved nations and parted seas
Will you come for me even with all the turmoil I have placed upon your shoulders?
They say you are a forgiving father, a lover of all lovers
You have satisfied my thirst on many a nights.
Can I walk with you home?
Because I only know the long route which seems to take me hours, days and months to reach my destination and you seem to arrive by taking a quick route to healing, deliverance and blessings.
I want to wake up on your side of the world because the sun is always shining in the mist of adversity.
How can nature be so beautiful and glowing, but in the same breath produce a fatal hurricane? Like my brain smart and flowing then attacked in an instant with a deadly migraine.
Can I live with you?
Because I cannot seem to keep my head above water on my own? Like the waves continue to exceed my height ever since I was born, but still I somehow manage to breathe.
How do I continue to hang on to faith with such little resources?
Yet I still somehow manage to have a full course meal on the table each night to feed my kids, fill the tank with the last five dollars in the bank, or loose change in a coat pocket to catch the train.
Can I knock on your door for shelter or just a shoulder to cry on?
My destination to open the door to my reality just dissipates in a breeze of streams
Sometimes not wanting to come back from my dreams.
Will you allow me to follow you?
Because I am lost in this world of bullshit, politics and racism
I am a lover, a peacemaker who loves compassion and poetry.
I want easy. So can you give me easy? What do I have to do?
I will work hard, pray and be a witness for you.
I know you wanted me to see the world and experience these different things on my own,
but you didn't tell me that it was going to be this hard to just live.
It sounded glorious when I exited the womb of my deceased mother.
I thought the bright light upon my face would always shine over me, and all I would have to do is follow the sun...
Some days I run further away from you and it’s like I can’t see that light anymore.
Can you help me deal with grief?
I feel around in my darkness, hands stretched out front and center. I somehow manage to find you even though there is no light...I feel your warn cheek, your earlobe, and I tug on it until I realize that I am lifted up in your arms, being carried back to the sun.
Happiness emanates in my heart, an overwhelming peace saturates my existence, and I look into your eyes...
You smile as if you missed me too!
and I ask;
“So GOD, Can I Come Home? I miss you
When I think of attraction….I’m lost for words
my focus seems to drift to unknown
trying to capture this Pisces essence is a leap of faith
set in a untimely and ultimate grace
Not sure of who to blame
as the surface is still the same
Yellow lines dotted on streets
grab hold of my earthly big feet
the desire of attraction runs deep.
A distant memory that replays a
past mystery of unfinished familiarity
reaching for the
pinnacle of depth yielding in my comfort zone
What is it about him that makes
my nerve endings vibrate electricity
my knees buckle in imaginary cement...like stone
frozen in its clutch yet melting the pain is just to much
categorized attraction is trademarked in my heart
searching for the possibility of a joined unified part
the one who will notice my inside bloodline
not just my giggly round behind
Locs touching the small of my back
scream for a slight tug of war as opposites really do attract
breathe a light mist of dominion
as singular expressions electrify my
I am distant in his dream of wanting to
the comfort to my hidden fears are blown
I have an attraction of being alone.
Hey fam I hope you got a few laughs at the video and felt my heartfelt emotion on the poetry. I only want to inspire, encourage and make you smile.
Our Pastor, Dr. King of the landofpromise.org preached an awesome word on today!
John 15:16 says;
"Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it to you."
On July 8th in church I claimed my healing and 2 days later my ViSalus products (body by vi 90 day challenge) arrived. It has been such a blessing to me in particular because I was miserable in this body. It was really becoming debilitating. I was on medicine after medicine and today God sealed my healing in church!! 14 days...7 is God's complete # right? Well he gave me a double portion!! No more slouching..I will stand and walk like the Woman of God I was ordained to be. This may sound so trivial to someone but its a victory and miracle for our family. We pray you join us in fellowship one Sunday.
Remember the gentle giant on rt. 1 I wrote about???...well Mark has become a very close friend to my family and I. On Saturday's since we met and I gave him a ride; we hang out almost every Saturday morning at the grocery store. He truly loves Wegman's! (lol)
I pick him up from the nursing facility (not a good place) and drive him to the grocery store and then to Church at St. Jude on most Sunday mornings unless were out of town.
Mark is funny, sarcastic, and smart. He says he's one of my kids but he's 6 years older than me! (smile). The facility he was temporarily placed is being closed down at the end of the month and he has anxiously been waiting on another nursing facility to accept him. Well the last 2 places he applied too did not accept him, but this Tuesday another rep is coming to meet with him and prayerfully he will be accepted. Please pray that this door opens up for him and he can be in better care. I really wish I had the resources and money to help him. He really just wanted friendship and didn't know anyone in Fredericksburg.
They didn't even take them to the store to buy food! He said the food was horrible so I would take him where ever he needed to go. He was always spending his money on the other people at the facility who were worse off then him. He gave his food out to others and he just wanted to help someone else. Can you imagine how some of our elderly are being treated in some places?
I may not see Mark again once he moves but I can honestly say we have both changed each other's life. God in his infinite wisdom placed this man in my life and all I did was drive him to the store and church but to him it was such a blessing and he continues to thank me over and over again. Rob had to take him a number of time when I was just in to much pain to do so. I tell you that husband of mine is some special kind of guy.
Pay it forward people and do something out of your comfort zone on this week and help change someone's life! As my Pastor said on today "You are responsible to help those outside of the Church and you have been appointed!" God Bless You.
Hope you enjoyed the poetry as much as I enjoyed making it!
Peace, Love, Poetry and all things Natural!
Fran aka NatualFruit
All I can say right now is Body By Vi 90 day challenge! I am having a blast with all of this energy from the shakes and losing inches..its only been 8 days today! I have already become a promoter of the product because all my body pain is gone and I feel wonderful! It feels like I can live holy, whole, no longer in a hole! (a line from one of my poems)! If you know anyone that would like to take this challenge with me just go to
shadegreen.bodybyvi.com and join. It's that easy! Oh I have a video I will record in the next few days of me reciting poetry! Stay tuned it's going to be a blessing to so many!
Peace, love, poetry and all things natural.
One thing you might not know about me is writing saved my
life when I was a teenager and it continues to be a gift that God gave me that
somehow always winds up encouraging someone else and helping me in the process. I’m confident that I move by
faith and I have to be me in every sense of the word.
I do share a lot of my
inner self only because I was born to be a poet. I believe it with every part of my being-- that my writing will reach the masses one day to encourage and inspire,
bring a smile or just spread love. I have struggled with this and my
thoughts of sharing only because everyone else feels uncomfortable around me on certain topics.
I write about everything; from God, love, pain, hurt, sex, drugs, physical and
mental abuse and a whole host of things that have touched my life over these past
46 yrs. I grew up in an urban environment of Jersey City but that urban
environment prepared me for this big round thing we call earth and the people
My Pastor, Dr. James King of the LandofPromise.org preached today
“Be who God says you are!” I couldn't wait to get home and write because that word inspired me so much! I know the promises God made to my mom
If I don’t believe in myself
If I don’t speak to my spirit who will?
If I don’t go to God for
myself who will?
If I do something another person is uncomfortable with, who’s
problem is that mine... or theirs?
Why would any of us hold back who we are to
I raised my children to know who they are in Christ and to not
ever let anyone else define who they are.
Is walking Christ like portraying ourselves one way in
public, in church, or when were writing on social networks, as happy all the time, no
struggles, all prosperous financially, and everything holy?…Or is walking in Christ being who you
are at all time, living by the word as much as possible, checking yourself when you get out of line, and asking for forgiveness? Why are we as a
people afraid to let people know who we really are?
(Through this writing the rest some how turned into a poem and I didn't realize it until I finished.)
One thing a creative artist does is look within and all of a sudden this gift instantly emanates a self portrait of humanity, humility and realness.
the fear dissipates, the creativity is coming so fast you can’t keep up and you
want to capture the 1000 thoughts going through your brain in a bottle, and cap
it off... but you can’t stop.
Your hands type, write, paint, and you recite verses as a
worthy eagle soaring with broken wings.
You know through the journey that your
body will hurt, your hands stiff from the strokes, your legs locked in
imaginary cement from stiff stillness that will eventually heal whole from the wings of
ancestors keeping you afloat.
You soar high, then higher feeling no more crippling
drained from the meds but you know God must Reign.
You can’t remember the creative zone you just evolved from or what it was actually about, until someone says it helped them quietly breath out
That when you realize this gift is so real. No deals can manifest in lateness,
and if you hold it back
any longer when the universe says to create--
your messing with greatness.
still here in the 7th hour.
The next morning you rise..holy
the next morning you move...slowly
when this miracle happens again I say I must be ready,
it happened so suddenly...out of the blue but always steady.
So now I only prepare the earthly tools by date
because I never know when he moves and tells me to create
I call it passion but not mixed with a facade
its just a special
Gift and a divine move of God.
It has been a long week! Just so you know I'm not your typical blogger. I can't blog everyday. I write all the time but only certain things I share. I write down my thoughts, my goals and actually plan them out on paper. Then once those things come to fruition I scratch it off.
I'm more of the homebody type who loves quiet and serenity. I don't do drama of any kind and wish I could help those that do. I have this innate ability or gift with children. Once they are around me they are all I see and hear. It's like I know what they feel instantly and and can connect with there innocent thoughts. I know one sunny day I will find my way to the classroom.
Making these body butters have truly been a stress reliever...I had no idea I loved mixing essential oils and Shea mango butters together! I look so forward to Saturday's when I can turn to my favorite neo-soul music and get to mixing and dancing in my kitchen! LOL. I just have myself a fab time. Then handing out testers to friends and family. I love that they love it because truly love and passion goes into every batch.
I realize that God gives us each many gifts and it's up to you to tap into each of them. Passion is when whatever you enjoy doing and would do it for free if you had too. Please please encourage those talents and gifts in your children! It's so important!
Ever since I was 5 yrs old I use to tell my mom that I was here for a special purpose. It may have been to be able to care for her when she became ill. I know without a doubt she was a walking angel and her last days were full of love, the word of God and serenity. She no longer had to take care of everyone else but had a opportunity to experience someone earthly taking care of her. It was a special purpose.
Shout out to my cuzzin Bridgette Adams from NC who traveled through the storm with me and helped pray me out.(I got your letter-got a new #-check your email). Love you cuz.
Sometimes you never know who God will use to witness in private, cover in prayer, or hold you up in the mist of a storm. I never knew a storm so severe to me ever before. Storms make you stronger, grateful, patient and different. Growth is good. Enlightenment is even better.
I'm not concerned about the number of people that support me just the people that do, will grow with me.
Have a blessed and fan-tab-u-lous week!!!
I have to share this awesome humbling story that helped me not to judge a person by appearance. I pray this story touches your heart as it did mine.
Saturday morning my daughter and I were out running her errands so she could attend a 1pm EMT training session in water rescue. On our way rushing back home in the hot 88 degree weather about 12n we noticed a very tall awkward Caucasian man at least 6"4 walking in the street near the shopping center carrying Target bags. His tall frame was shaped in a peculiar manner with his head slumped oddly to one side as if he was going to loose his balance with every step. My daughter was driving and I turned around and said "now where is he going?" My first taught was to offer him a ride but I brushed it off by saying he has to be walking to someone's car because I know he can't be about to walk on Rt 1.
My daughter and I preceded home in order for her to get ready for the training which takes 30 minutes to get there by car. Once home we did what we had to do and rushed back out the front door for her training. I decided to drive this time and low and behold we see the same gentleman walking south on Rt 1 like he was struggling still. He had made a fair amount of distance walking from the shopping center when we first saw him over 30 minutes ago. He was walking in the shoulder of the road appearing as if he was out of breath in order to get up the hills steep incline. There are no side walks on this 45mph zoned road were most drivers are pushing 55mph anyway. I was like "Oh my goodness Ce, he walked all the way from Target carrying those groceries. I have to turn around and offer him a ride".
I had to drive a little further North in order to make a u-turn at the next light and follow him going South. While coming up the hill I didn't see him any longer and said "someone must have picked him up thank God!". As I drove a little further to make another u-turn to get her to the training we see him walking up a side road off of Rt.1. I pull up to him, rolled my window down and said "Sir do you need a ride" he replied with relief and out of breath "Yesssss" as sweat dripped from the tip of his long nose. I can see my daughters apprehension as he walks over to the passenger side and slowly crawls into the back seat. As my daughter grabs his bags by reaching directly behind the passenger seat she pushes the bags to the other side and says in a very surprised voice, "Mommy these bags are heavy!". I asked him his name and introduced myself and Cece. "So Mark why are you walking all the way from the store like this, its such a long way and very hot out?" I shouted, thinking he was mentally challenged or something. "And dangerous" he said. As we made the left up the block we pulled into an assisted living residential home. I had no idea this place was even back there as there are no signs or anything from the main road.
He was so tall that he could hardly get his long medical shoes out of the back seat. Ce asked him did he need assistance with his bags and he said "No thanks, I'm very independent". As he still struggled to get out the car with his 5 bags of groceries that contained 2 half gallons of almond milk he told us he had 3 operations and that's why he looks the way he does. I asked him to take his time getting out of the car so I could hand the bags to him.
I then proceeded to write down my phone number and told him if he ever needed a ride to call me and I would pick him up and take him where he needed to go. By this time one of the workers comes out front. I thought she was coming for him but she just lit up her cigarette and didn't even speak. I carried his bags into the lobby where I found a Caucasian male decked out in his decorated soldier uniform sitting by the door in a wheelchair. Another African American gentleman was sitting on the right and said hello. Mr. Mark thanked me again. Ce and I left humbled.
My husband and I woke up late for 8am service at our church Saturday morning so I was trying to go back to sleep as my phone rang at 8:30am. "Fran? This is Mark, can you take me to church this morning?" I asked him where the church was located, and what time did he needed to be there. "9:30" he said. I agreed to pick him up and drive him to St. Jude's Church about 5 miles away from his residence and 12 miles away from my home. I let him know to call me when the service was over. Yes he had a cell phone!
Mark called an hour later. I picked him up from Church and he told me more about his 3 operations in 2011 that left him without the use of his limbs. He stated he was like a puppet and couldn't walk but he would not give up the fight in order to walk again. Mark has all of his mental faculties and I discovered he was born a day after me in March! I honestly felt like this man was an instant friend and was so thankful that someone stopped to offer him a ride despite the way he looked and walked. He is still disabled but has made remarkable progress given his circumstances. His brother's wife did not want him to live with them anymore so they put him in temporary assisted living until an senior apartment opens up in the area where his brother lives which is about 2 hours from Fredericksburg.
After Church Mark asked me if I could take him to a store called Aldi's because it was cheaper than target. As he and I walked around the store I noticed how people looked at us and stared at me suspiciously. I realized they were also judging me as an African American Female sporting a natural Afro, laughing and shopping with this 6"4 physically challenged older Caucasian Male. When we left the store I told him about my favorite grocery store Wegman's and promised to take him there next week to check it out. He got so excited after I told him it''s a grocery store that you can sit down and have Sushi for lunch before shopping. He said "Oh my I love Sushi". He thanked me again for stopping and said how God continues to bless him. He also said "I prayed for you in Church this morning Fran". I left and cried all the way home thanking God for such an enlightened experience.
While we all judge by appearances and neglect to listen to our inner voice telling us to reach out and help someone else, pay it forward so to speak. We must learn that there is a lesson in the blessing. How many times a day do you pass up doing something nice for someone that's totally out of the norm by paying it forward?
For some reason meeting Mr. Mark and driving him such a short distance in miles but to him it was the longest distance in gratitude was one of the most humbling experiences I've ever experienced. It made me feel good inside that it was the least I could do and to feel the gratitude expressed from him was overwhelming.
Mark is like many others in this world who are physically challenged but we judge by looks alone but we don't realize this person have a story. One surgery, illness or accident could end the way you once looked but continuing to have a positive outlook despite what it looks like will make the biggest impact of all. I truly learned to be thankful for what I have even when others are moving at a faster pace than I am. I felt ashamed and sad that no one stopped to offer the gentle giant a ride.
I wear on my finger a symbol of his love
I feel his passion, his pain, and his protection comforts
I welcomed him into a heart that had grown cold,
But blackness turned bright yellow within months…and he
is still here…
Front and rear…Leading, breathing, seeing our future
unfold within his fist.
He holds the secret within his heart as the bi-laws of
Believing that if he speaks it, no devil in hell can stop
the blessings overflowing
My knight in shining armor is he…
Delivering bliss that whisks me to a beautiful place of
solitude and unlimited possibilities.
I travel lightly within his mind…sneaking his private
thoughts of us lovemaking in a tree house
He touches the
essence of my evolution as floral scents linger in my veins.
Glorious harmony is he to my heart… as he carries the
weights and chains that I continue to hold on too..
Patiently he waits for me to fall oh soo slightly as he
frames my every move.
The soft multicolor hair of his beard attracts me like
bees to honey…a perfect blend of togetherness
and distinguished separateness.
I dream of him nightly even though he sleeps right beside
my silhouette…spooning my intriguing sensuality even when he dreams. The
nightly fights within his soul have ceased. No more fear of fist
Flying in the dark. My love has provided a cease fire…a
passionate battle of intimacy. We work…we be..
We love unconditionally.
This ring…his ring..is a bond of grace given freely and
created Godly under the sun, with the sand and sea beneath me…we three...this
ring…his ring…we are now one.
I accepted the fact you’re gone
I accepted the fact that you won’t be coming back
Like Lazarus I wanted you to arise
It’s like the end of the world is here anyway
So many people are dying and hurting
I know you’re at peace
When I was little I use to say “mommy if you die
I’m going with you”.
I want to follow in your legacy of life, love and peace
I want to encourage my children like you did for us
I’m going to write about you
Write about how beautiful you were
How you made mistakes like the rest of us
How you loved unconditionally
How you prayed for everyone by name
I know because I kneeled beside you as a child
And heard you call out the neighbor by name or the
Lady you just met on the street
Always discreet you were a lady
Soft spoken which some perceived as weak
You were beaten and choked but you still cooked us dinner
A sinner like us but always asked God for forgiveness
Borrowed money so I could go to the movies with my friends
Sent me 50 dollars a month when I was a single mom struggling
Your spirit is here…
these words were written in 7 minutes
7am you left, on February 21, 2011; 21+2011=7
You are the number of God’s completeness 7
My favorite number has always been 7
7 minutes to Heaven
You are free
And I today I finally accept this is how it has to be.
For over 10 yrs I have struggled with unexplained body pain. I have gone to Dr. after Dr. but no one could help me. Finally about 2 yrs ago I found a Dr. who diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia, a chronic musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. You will have to ask my husband is I had mood issues. (smile). I finally received help instead of receiving weekly cortisone shots in my hips, neck and back. Painful I tell you! The piece below was written out of frustration before I was put on medication to help with the pain. If you know someone that suffers from chronic pain please share this poem with them.
When you look at me what do you see?
There is fire and ice growing inside of me.
The stiffness of tomorrow gains precedence.
I can’t fight today.
The bitter pain of electromagnetic radiation
Produces wave’s through my bones with the highest form of
Solidify my presence with some kind of healing
I can’t fight today.
I feel sharp receptors that freeze today then burn
Never letting go. Melting and burning at the same time.
Moving like a spider full of poison.I’m warm to the touch.
Forced victories and milestones I
I can’t fight today.
I can do this..move…get up…stiff…I can’t walk…10
minutes…stretch…pill…I feel better…see you tomorrow. I will be ready I promise.
They say I’m dreaming and it’s all in my head
I’m telling you it hurts I can’t get out of bed
Push me, wake me up, am I already dead?
I can’t fight today.
Put on your x-ray shades that will grant MD access to my
I’m not depressed! Just mad and stressed that no one can see my pain but me.
Open your eyes, I’m not smiling like I use too. I am
Living in heaven and hell at the same time but I still love.
I come to terms and say maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.
A gigantic thorn
in my shoulders, hips and knees.
Poking and prying and still no diagnosis
I have to become a voice for someone else
Please someone stop the burning inside my veins.
I’m so fatigued, my energy is drained.
I fight these symptoms of chronic pain.
I will fight for you tomorrow.
Do you ever wonder what dreams your parents had and what obstacle's did they overcome to living out those dreams? I wonder if my mom got a chance to live out some of her dreams, what were they?
We all have dreams of doing something, or getting those AH HA moments the universe gives to us to branch out and pursue our passion or sudden desire. We then redirect our attention to this thing that's pulling and creating itself into existence all from your mind.
What happens when those things stay with us and we never do anything about it but dream. Well that is exactly how I was a dreamer, comfortable at were I was at the moment. Then tragedy struck and it took me on a roller coaster of emotion that I still cannot explain fully to this day. All I know is the world didn't stop when I did. It kept going, the clock kept ticking. I hid my face under the covers most mornings and enjoyed my tear soaked pillow until my husband would pull off the covers to give me a morning hug that he wished could squeeze all the pain out of me. He would hold my lifeless body and listen to me rant about how useless life was. I would say "Why are we born, then live and then die. I didn't understand death at all until it hit me smack dab in the back of my head.
I do get it now. I do know now that what we do while living determines our resting place. I do know that my parents may not have fulfilled all of there dreams and they instilled in me to dream and dream big! They wanted to see there children strive for and work hard to fulfill there dreams.
Why do we get so stuck and think if we can't jump right into our dreams then why bother to even try it? First of all we may not have the finances, or the resources so we put it off and file them away in the back of our minds and go back to the daily task of raising our children and supporting our family.
As woman we forget about us. You have to learn to be alone, learn how to date yourself even if married. I take hot spa baths with candles, wine and a magazine; soak my feet on the deck as the sun works on my back, use two trees to hang my hammock and write in my journal, go to a park and just relax.
If it has been a long time and you have not taken care of you then I'm here to let you know that its ok to enjoy you and get back to or start writing down your dreams and finding small ways to make your big dreams come true. Research at least one thing today that can help you get closer to reaching your goals.
I WATCHED MY MOTHER DIE
When I hear a bird singing in the backyard I think of you hoping your
singing to me.
I watched as you lost a exuberant amount of weight, your
jawbones noticeable thin.
I still told you how beautiful you were.
On Wednesday night,
February 16 you became so restless as I watched you try to
sleep. You didn’t even notice me in the room. By nightfall you slipped into a
deep sleep...a coma. I knew
you could hear me still…still you were non mobile with only your left arm
swinging up and down..up and down, as if you were saying, “why me?” Your arm
movement was nonstop for exactly 24 hours. I read somewhere this is called a sign that death is
approaching. You held on and waited until your firstborn son arrived that Friday night. I just knew you
heard his footsteps flying down interstate 85 North. When he arrived I heard him say “mommy squeeze my hand if you can
hear me? Please mommy squeeze my hand!” Over and over he recited this passage hoping for life
once lived..hoping for a nurturing movement…but you lay lifeless in meditation. We all tried to go about our day
with laughter, tears and funny stories of you and man did we laugh!
Raheim & Mary, and Rob & I. We knew you could hear us.
On Saturday both your big brothers came to see you along
with many family and friends. Everyone
took turns reading the Word of God to you by choosing scriptures we knew you loved , I even read those biblical stories you taught me as a kid. Your Bible
had scriptures highlighted in yellow. I knew you could hear
me. The scriptures you taught me throughout my life I was able to read them
back to you. Psalms 91 was just one of your favorites.
somehow manage to crawl up around your head in the hospital
bed and like a fetus in the womb of a mother I lay covering
the crown of your head..gently stroking your thinning hair with a graceful touch of motherly love.
I knew you
could feel my thoughts trying to breath life back into your heart.
Sunday came. No one slept peacefully but you..still in a
coma..warm..shallow breath..cold at times. We covered you with a warm cozy blanket but somehow you managed
to use your lifeless hand to uncover your Frailness. We knew
you were still with us.
firstborn put on a cassette tape that he found in your minivan. We
listened to gospel music, read the Bible to you and prayed. The Holy Ghost
entered the room. While the spirit gave utterance you had a conversation with God. He told me you
"you were an awesome and faithful servant."
As I laid my hand across your shallow chest you finally moved! Your arm grabbed a hold of my
wrist and I felt your motherly touch once again. I knew you could still hear me.
I want to dream so I can see you and have coffee with you. I want to laugh like we use too when one of
us would say something comical. “Fran your are so funny” is what you would always say.I loved making you laugh.
Sunday night we all slept peacefully for the first time. On
Monday morning at 6:30am I crawled to the head of
your hospital bed one last time. Something was different, the energy in the house was different. I ran upstairs to go call the Chaplin from hospice..your
breath was shallow when I left. As I returned downstairs a few minutes later,
your firstborn was standing at your bedside. He said in a calm
voice just as you would do; “She just took her last breathe”…I yelled; “Mommy! Mommy I love you!” As
I ran to be by your side you let out a final shallow breath and your mouth closed. We knew
you could not hear us any longer.
you were gone.
no gasping for air,
no more pain,
Your granddaughter asked could she kiss you goodbye. Tears
stained your bedside from all of us. I washed your body one last time, like this was a ritual I was born to do, prepare your earthly body for a smooth spiritual transition to Heaven.
As I dressed you I felt your spirit in the clouds that day.
birds continues to sing in our front yard and I always say “Hey ma!”
I have so much to say...so much built up. Thoughts go through me non-stop. The first 2 people I think of when writing this blog and creating my website are 2 friends I use to work with in DC, Dierdre and Major from OSSE. I know guys a long time coming but now is the right time. Kids all grown and almost out the house, supported my husband Rob starting his business, my brother Raheim and I got the chance to take care of my terminally ill mother Barbara for 44 days until her lost battle with lung cancer. Oh If you only knew how much I miss her. I constantly tear as I think, talk or write about her because she was truly a walking saint to so many. OK moving along another 4 months later our daughter was attached at a local McDonald's by a crazy nut who sliced her throat,(thank you God for saving and healing her), then a week later my grandmother Christine passed away. My goodness 2011 brought about unimaginable grief, a dark depression, volatile anger, withdrawal from social settings, super abundant growth, an appreciation for life, and a renewed faith in Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior.
As you can see I didn't think I was going to make it out of that dark place but each time I opened my eyes just a little wider, I got stronger, I heard my mother's voice, my husband was my champion, my children and grandchildren were a comfort.
I can finally say I am healing.